Women Jokes

Highschool girl : My papa told me, this time if I fail in the exam, he will stop sending me to school and get me married straightaway.
Friend : OMG, so how is your preparation going on ?
Girl : All done. Only facial and pedicure left..

A lady standing in the front on red light stalled her car when it turned green. People started honking madly but she couldn't start. The light turned amber and then red again. Hearing the chaos...the traffic police guy from Haryana walked upto the lady....and said..
Madam.....Koi bhi rang pasand naa aaya ke

The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.

Daughter: What is Marriage ?
Mom: Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore...

Sexy secretary comes angrily out of Boss's cabin.. Staff askd: wht hapend?
Secretary: He asked me r u free tonight?
I said yes !
Rascal gave me 60 pages to type!!!

Lady: My husband who went to buy Dosa Mix is missing since 3 days
Police: what were u doing last three days?
Lady: Somehow managing with Upma and Puri, Sir.

Call from call centre:
"Hello Madam,
We are offering you, a Credit Card, with best deals....
No Annual Charges, No Interest On Balance For 3 Months, Big Credit Limit & No Penalty For Overspending..!"
Smart Answer By The Lady:
"No Thanks, I Have A Husband With Lifetime Zero Fees, Unlimited Limit, No Interest & No Penalties and no re-payment For Ever..!!"

Mother to Son: Who is Tippu Sultan ?
Son : Don't know
Mother : Sometime give attention to study also
Son to Mother : Do you know Chinky Aunty ?
Mother : Don't know
Son: Sometimes give attention to Dad also

Smart answer by a Women...
On a flight, a guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him...
Man:'Nice perfume.....which one is it?... I want to gift it to my wife..!!'
Lady:'Don't give her....some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her..!!'

CLASSES FOR WOMEN....
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

Topic 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too !!

Topic 5. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

Topic 6. Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

Topic 8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

Topic 9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

Topic 10. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both

Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is designed to remain silent indoor!

A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage..
She said- "sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot"

Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have have a wife.

The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same"
was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord,
I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man ,
to Love and to forgive him ,
and for patience,
For his moods.
Because Lord,
if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Bhikhari (Car mein bethi lady se) : "Madam 10 Rs dedo..!" Lady ne paise de diye... . . Bhikhari jane laga tabi... . .
Lady boli:- Baba Dua To Dete Jao..! . . . .
Bhikhari:- BMW Mein To Baithi Hai ... Ab Kya... "Rocket Pe Baithegi..!!!"

Wife buys 12 underwears of same colour for hubby..
Hubby - Why same colour sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.
Wife - Which people?
Total silence...

Husband: Meri shirt ulti karke press karna.
? Wife: Ok
After 10 minutes Husband: Meri shirt press ki?
Wife: Nahi...
Husband - Q?
Wife - Ulti nahin aa rahi hai

Ek aurat Cheque Cash karane gai..
Clerk: Sign kro.
Aurat: Kaise?
Clerk: PATI ko jaise chithi ke end me likhti ho.
Aurat ne likha..
"TOHAAR CHUMAA KI PYASI BIJLI"

Behind every great man,
there is a surprised woman. The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions. Sign on a famous beauty parlor window:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother.

Husband Wife Jokes

What do you call a beautiful woman in Poland?
A tourist.


Why don't women have umbrellas?
Because it doesn't rain in between the kitchen and the bedroom.


Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

A gushing young lady embarrassed Edison at a reception by her outspoken admiration. "You will go down in history, Mr. Edison, as the inventor of the first talking machine," she repeated for the tenth time.

"Indeed, no, madam," replied Edison, "I am not the pioneer in the field. The first talking machine was invented by the Almighty and I merely invented one that could be stopped at will."

This one woman of ill repute refuses to admit married men to her house.
Her motto is "I cater to the needy - not the greedy."

The young waitress went to the Head Waiter and said, "I'm not going to serve that cheeky devil over there."
"Why not?"
"Well, he asked for French salad and when I said 'What's that?' he said, 'It's the same as any other salad, only you serve it without dressing.'"


"It seems they had to give Mrs. Singh anesthesia twice for one operation."
"How come?"
"Once to perform the operation and once to keep her from talking about it."

Girl to Fireman: "It must have taken a lot of courage to rescue me as you did."
Fireman: "Yes. I had to knock down three other guys who wanted to do it."

Director: "So you say you can end all unemployment."
Candidate: "Yes sir."
Director: "How had you planned to do that?"
Candidate: "Well, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another."
Director: "And what would they be doing then?"
Candidate: "Building boats."

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